Confused?

Half the time all I am trying to do is the right things and theirs is always a road block. Why is this? The other half I am fighting with myself . It makes me confused and then I wan't to freak out and scream but when I do that it is scary frustrating what is it going to take to get a happy medium.

 I realize that I have choices it is a matter of  making the right one. So if I just hang in there it, life what ever will work out. Sometimes I wish I could disappear to a cabin way up north or an Island in a warm place in the world Like Jamaica.

Anyways I felt like blabbing I know I am not the only one.Keep on keeping On!
    

Up or Down!

I was mad all of the time and over nothing most of the time . Let me explain, After my brother died I hated everything birthdays, Christmas, anything it didn't matter. My mom tried but she was stuck in her glass of wine most of the time I didn't know what to do part of me wanted to just runaway which I did once just after my brother died. I went to his high school Lester b pearson to see his friends, my mother called the police and was literary histerical. My dad came to pick me up I scared everybody but I didn't care I wanted my brother BACK.

So threw life I would get all messed up so that I could get those nasty images out of my head. Trust me BAD BAD decision. My parents would give me money when ever I wanted it I guess they felt bad for me I still don't know. But as life goes on I continued to self destruct. When I turned 30 I was arrested for some serious  stuff related to cocaine and pills, and I had warrants all over Ontario lets just say I wasn't going to get out anytime soon.

I was sitting in my jail cell freaking out thinking that look what you have to face now you really thought that this was all going to go away. So I said if you can get threw this then you can get clean , stop drinking cocaine and pills. Let me tell you I was going crazy thinking of killing myself thinking of how I screwed up my life what a joke I felt like such an ass. So as time went on in there I started to realize that I made it this far why end it like this.

All I ever wanted was a "normal" life what ever that is. I felt like I was alone in the world . So I hung in there day by day minute by minute,when I finally got my sentence I was pretty happy the judge only sentence me to one year in jail and one year on probation. The crown wanted 3or 4 years and thank god that didn't happen.

This is where I could feel a change being locked up all time all you can do is think and with all the bad things already in my head this was hard,but I did do it and I am still doing it. I guess there comes a time where you have a choice up or down and I choose up just because my family has gone through some real crappy things and losing my brother and my mother and have addictions is what I had to go through to get where I am today it may not be fair but I think it made me a stronger person for sure!

Hope

 Well let see I have lived a life of pain and would like to share my experiences.I would also like to think that maybe someone who reads this it might help them. When I was 8 I went to school one day and i knew that something was wrong so I finished school And came straight home to find the door still locked,I wasn't sure what was going on but I had a feeling that it was bad. My Mom told me that if my brother was not home to go to the baby sitter across  the straight so I did . Well I waited for my mom to come home and when we open the door my brothers stuff from school was at the table and both me and my mom thought this was strange. So my mom tells me to go play and then we would eat. I was playing with a boy named Billy, I remember my Mom telling us to go play in the basement and  when I got to the top of the stairs something told me that something was wrong and when we went down their I saw my brother hanging from the ceiling ,I don't think I need to describe in details but I am let's go back a little bit when I came home from school and the door was locked I wen't to the backyard and tried to look in the window of the basement and when I did this I truly felt Sick. So when I seen my brothers face blue and his eye's sticking out, spit hanging out of his mouth to the floor all I could do was freeze and stop my friend from seeing this, I turned around and said lets just go outside. I was in shock I did not know what to do I couldn't even tell my mother but she is going to find out and when she did it even got crazier. My mom was going to do some laundry which was down stairs and then it happened I heard my mom scream I ran to the top of the stairs and she was saying he's dead  he's dead at the age of 8 I can remember feeling rage but I didn't know what to do with it. My mom called the police man was she hysterical I can't get that picture out of my head of my mom coming up the stairs and her eyes bulging out of her head and my brother still to this day when my eyes are open or shut I can still see them and I am 34 now. I even remember when we were next door at the neighbors every one told me not to look out the window but of course I did and I wish I didn't because at that moment there was the body bag with my Brother in it  being put in the ambulance.


Let's just say this is where my life became destructive,unmanageable and I hated everything and I mean everything. I did not ask for this to happen to me and I was only 8 at the time but when I look back at all the bad things I have done with my anger I am lucky to even be here.  


I still had to live but I am going to tell you I wanted to die. I remember one day at school I tried to hang myself at school at the play ground and for some reason when I did a classmate saved me and got help. There were days I wished that I did just die but for some crazy reason I manged to stay alive for 34 years and I am a recovering addict it has been three years I have not had a drink of alcohol,I am also clean form cocaine for a little over a year and I have finished the methadone program after 4 years I have been to detox 30 times and 4 programs and the last four years is where I have used what is available to me. I have a social worker who I can trust and  depend on when I need to talk because the brain never shut's off and if I don't get out of my head things can get really bad and I mean scary bad . I never wanted to hurt anyone especially me but I am glad I am alive NOW and will continue to do the right things because we hold our own destiny and the mind is a powerful place. Whoever reads this and has problems with life and can relate just hang in there because if I can do this then you can to why? you say to your self ask yourself this JAIL, INSTITUTIONS,and DEATH is that what you really want I thought that was the answer but I am glad I was wrong. Thank you to who ever reads this it felt good to get that out take care and all will be well.