Julian Marley-Boom Draw - YouTube

Julian Marley-Boom Draw - YouTube:

'via Blog this'This song makes me feel like their is hope and life is what you make. I smoke everyday it calms me down makes me understand things better,works great for chronic pain. I truly believe that "Herb is the healing of the Nation" quote Bob Marley. It's True

PISSED OFF'ED!

I have a lot to say what are we doing here? and what are we supposed to do here? Life is really complicated and I am so confused! It seems to me and this is just my opinion everything we do we are told to do it By WHO? I don't really know but I am sure it has to do with the Freemasons, Have you ever heard of the secret society it is something like that. OK what I am trying to say is that the whole western world wan'ts peace but yet they keep going to WAR and the war on drugs in the western world what a joke our government sells drugs like Oxycontin, Morphine and any other pill that can cause serious problems like addiction,robbery and violence. All I wan't is to deal with sensible people who don't wan't to cause problems but solve them. Is it that hard to have common sense I do not understand what the world is about it seems to me you live, you DIE! 

It is not rocket science you take care of yourself and your family , love each other and live in peace and happiness. But how can we do this with all of the problems in  the world. I am sure of this I do not believe that there will be peace because of all the hater's out there men,woman.teens, government officials and people all over the world.

If the END of the world is coming maybe that is a good thing. Earth has been around for 4 billion years and outer space has no end evolution has evolved what is next? No one should be poor or hungry we need to stand together and stop the hate!!! 

I made it!

 I have to say going threw addiction is very powerful I truly thought I would be ok getting off methadone well holy shit!!! I finished my last drink on last Thursday  5mg and wow ! This was probably the biggest test in my whole life not to fall down and use. I never expected to go threw what I went threw. I was in a state of hysteria, confusion, emotional and scared. If their was a choice to die I almost would have took that choice.

I am 34 and it has been a frig gin stuggle to get where I am. As bad as things where I managed to keep it together  thanks to my community center that I use when things get scary.

Well thank god that my doctor kept my file open but I am still a little upset that this shit has this much POWER over people. No one should have to suffer for doing the right thing. I went to the hospital twice what a joke if you are and addict and doing the right thing forget about it. I was treated like a junkie a lire a piece of shit they don't care about you if you are doing the right thing or not they just see JUNKIE.

So I wen't through some serious withdraws and pretty much wanted to die BUT their is this thing inside of me that wan'ts to live and I know now that I can do this I made threw some real crappy things in my life and this just another one of those things that I had to go threw and it made me a stronger person.  

GOING NUTS!

Hello I  am still awake methadone is poison. I am not sure what to do ,I am going to see the doctor first thing and somebody better help me I have worked way to hard to stay clean and I for sure do not want to use PILLS.

Here's the thing I am going to do what ever it takes I want my life BACK. This is the hardest thing to go through it like your life is flashing before your eyes,that's scary. I am sure that I can do the right thing but I am not going to lie this SUCKS SHIT!

Marijuana good or bad!

 Marijuana has been around for thousands of years and has been used as a pain killer. Marijuana is good because it makes me feel normal I have tried every antidepressant and every other pill out there and they don't work quick thought people like me don't need pills because lets say something goes wrong and you get upset  I am mad I don't wan't to live anymore and you take all the pills bang your dead! Now if you are upset you take few puffs and things will get better I am pretty sure if you tied to smoke an ounce you could not do it and you would be a sleep or starving!  What I am trying to say is know one has ever died from pot.

Marijuana has helped me threw some hard times like right now. I am tierd of people say people who smoke pot are dumb. Well I am not dumb!!! I went to school for bit smoked a joint right before class and let me say this I did better then ,then when in high school why is this because marijuana opens the mind and is the "healing of the nation" quote Bob Marley.

Marijuana is good for me I have, adhd ,post traumatic stress syndrome a broken wrist and sleep deprivation . Why would I want to take pills pills and more pills. It is not about getting high it is about feeling right with your self and being a good citizen. But the government wan'ts to throw people like me in jail man is that ever wrong.

Marijuana is a plant it is natural and has many benefits pills are man made think about it!

Bugging out just a little!

 Sometimes I don't feel right, Like right now I just came off methadone day 2 and I can say this shit sucks. Sit up sit down you think you are going nuts ,  On a scale of 1 to 10 I say 5 one minute I am ok And then Bam things are crappy. But here's what I am trying to say I don't care how bad it gets' there is No way I will go down this road again.

Well here's what I think of drug addiction. There are times when you think that you are ok and there is nothing wrong ,you just wan't to have fun, when I was younger like 10 i started to smoke cigeretts ,11 had my first beer at the age of 12 I told this kid that was trying to hit on my girlfriend to steal me a bottle of booze I still don't know why I choose to do that but hers what happened I got drunk at school with a friend. Let's just say a 12 year old should not drink I was wasted I woke up in the nurses office with a circle of teachers and cop and my mom Shit! I can remember driving home hanging out the window of my moms car saying weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

So I get home what a hangover puke, puke and puke,some more. When I woke up my mom told me now go tell tour father what you did. Well I was not sure what he was going to say considering that both my parents are alcoholics. He said aw for fuck sake stupid what were you thinking and the next day took me to baseball game in Toronto.

Addictions start in my opinion because people's family life is bad,friends you hang out with like the wrong crowd. Once we start we can't stop it is so hard. I myself  at the age of 34 can really say this has been quite an experience. But I never want to go through that again. I just want what everyone else wan'ts to be happy. 

Your Conscience!

Do you ever wonder how are brain works and how our conscience comes in to play. Well I would like to share some of my thoughts! You wake up and it starts your brain is on it really never shuts off and what is next is your day going to be good or bad. We listen to our conscience and hope for the best. It seems to me that we have to fight the urge every day but if you think about it we are a living beings and have been here for thousands of years. What did we do then we had to live yes we have evolved but I am pretty sure they had a conscience too.

My brain makes me wonder if I am going nuts sometimes and I think I am NUTS. But I as I go on it sort of makes sense. Again it is about choices and making the right one, and I am sure we all would want to choose the wrong one or the one that would make you feel better when in reality it will make it worse. Life lessons you got love it "not" it can be scary thinking all the time what am I doing here and why am I here? and what is right ? We all have differnt beliefs and religions and that is a great thing. Freedom I never really thought about it until I got locked up and I could not shut off my brain nightmares thinking thinking and some more, it felt like there is this movie going on in your head and somebody hit the repeat button.

Now I have more control of my conscience and make better decisions why? because I don't fill my body full of booze or pills or cocaine so if anyone is wondering why life is hard listen to the GOOD side of your conscience it takes time and time you have I am 99.9% sure know one wants to live in misery I sure don't want to,until next time keep on fighting that conscience.  

Confused?

Half the time all I am trying to do is the right things and theirs is always a road block. Why is this? The other half I am fighting with myself . It makes me confused and then I wan't to freak out and scream but when I do that it is scary frustrating what is it going to take to get a happy medium.

 I realize that I have choices it is a matter of  making the right one. So if I just hang in there it, life what ever will work out. Sometimes I wish I could disappear to a cabin way up north or an Island in a warm place in the world Like Jamaica.

Anyways I felt like blabbing I know I am not the only one.Keep on keeping On!
    

Up or Down!

I was mad all of the time and over nothing most of the time . Let me explain, After my brother died I hated everything birthdays, Christmas, anything it didn't matter. My mom tried but she was stuck in her glass of wine most of the time I didn't know what to do part of me wanted to just runaway which I did once just after my brother died. I went to his high school Lester b pearson to see his friends, my mother called the police and was literary histerical. My dad came to pick me up I scared everybody but I didn't care I wanted my brother BACK.

So threw life I would get all messed up so that I could get those nasty images out of my head. Trust me BAD BAD decision. My parents would give me money when ever I wanted it I guess they felt bad for me I still don't know. But as life goes on I continued to self destruct. When I turned 30 I was arrested for some serious  stuff related to cocaine and pills, and I had warrants all over Ontario lets just say I wasn't going to get out anytime soon.

I was sitting in my jail cell freaking out thinking that look what you have to face now you really thought that this was all going to go away. So I said if you can get threw this then you can get clean , stop drinking cocaine and pills. Let me tell you I was going crazy thinking of killing myself thinking of how I screwed up my life what a joke I felt like such an ass. So as time went on in there I started to realize that I made it this far why end it like this.

All I ever wanted was a "normal" life what ever that is. I felt like I was alone in the world . So I hung in there day by day minute by minute,when I finally got my sentence I was pretty happy the judge only sentence me to one year in jail and one year on probation. The crown wanted 3or 4 years and thank god that didn't happen.

This is where I could feel a change being locked up all time all you can do is think and with all the bad things already in my head this was hard,but I did do it and I am still doing it. I guess there comes a time where you have a choice up or down and I choose up just because my family has gone through some real crappy things and losing my brother and my mother and have addictions is what I had to go through to get where I am today it may not be fair but I think it made me a stronger person for sure!

Hope

 Well let see I have lived a life of pain and would like to share my experiences.I would also like to think that maybe someone who reads this it might help them. When I was 8 I went to school one day and i knew that something was wrong so I finished school And came straight home to find the door still locked,I wasn't sure what was going on but I had a feeling that it was bad. My Mom told me that if my brother was not home to go to the baby sitter across  the straight so I did . Well I waited for my mom to come home and when we open the door my brothers stuff from school was at the table and both me and my mom thought this was strange. So my mom tells me to go play and then we would eat. I was playing with a boy named Billy, I remember my Mom telling us to go play in the basement and  when I got to the top of the stairs something told me that something was wrong and when we went down their I saw my brother hanging from the ceiling ,I don't think I need to describe in details but I am let's go back a little bit when I came home from school and the door was locked I wen't to the backyard and tried to look in the window of the basement and when I did this I truly felt Sick. So when I seen my brothers face blue and his eye's sticking out, spit hanging out of his mouth to the floor all I could do was freeze and stop my friend from seeing this, I turned around and said lets just go outside. I was in shock I did not know what to do I couldn't even tell my mother but she is going to find out and when she did it even got crazier. My mom was going to do some laundry which was down stairs and then it happened I heard my mom scream I ran to the top of the stairs and she was saying he's dead  he's dead at the age of 8 I can remember feeling rage but I didn't know what to do with it. My mom called the police man was she hysterical I can't get that picture out of my head of my mom coming up the stairs and her eyes bulging out of her head and my brother still to this day when my eyes are open or shut I can still see them and I am 34 now. I even remember when we were next door at the neighbors every one told me not to look out the window but of course I did and I wish I didn't because at that moment there was the body bag with my Brother in it  being put in the ambulance.


Let's just say this is where my life became destructive,unmanageable and I hated everything and I mean everything. I did not ask for this to happen to me and I was only 8 at the time but when I look back at all the bad things I have done with my anger I am lucky to even be here.  


I still had to live but I am going to tell you I wanted to die. I remember one day at school I tried to hang myself at school at the play ground and for some reason when I did a classmate saved me and got help. There were days I wished that I did just die but for some crazy reason I manged to stay alive for 34 years and I am a recovering addict it has been three years I have not had a drink of alcohol,I am also clean form cocaine for a little over a year and I have finished the methadone program after 4 years I have been to detox 30 times and 4 programs and the last four years is where I have used what is available to me. I have a social worker who I can trust and  depend on when I need to talk because the brain never shut's off and if I don't get out of my head things can get really bad and I mean scary bad . I never wanted to hurt anyone especially me but I am glad I am alive NOW and will continue to do the right things because we hold our own destiny and the mind is a powerful place. Whoever reads this and has problems with life and can relate just hang in there because if I can do this then you can to why? you say to your self ask yourself this JAIL, INSTITUTIONS,and DEATH is that what you really want I thought that was the answer but I am glad I was wrong. Thank you to who ever reads this it felt good to get that out take care and all will be well.