Up or Down!

I was mad all of the time and over nothing most of the time . Let me explain, After my brother died I hated everything birthdays, Christmas, anything it didn't matter. My mom tried but she was stuck in her glass of wine most of the time I didn't know what to do part of me wanted to just runaway which I did once just after my brother died. I went to his high school Lester b pearson to see his friends, my mother called the police and was literary histerical. My dad came to pick me up I scared everybody but I didn't care I wanted my brother BACK.

So threw life I would get all messed up so that I could get those nasty images out of my head. Trust me BAD BAD decision. My parents would give me money when ever I wanted it I guess they felt bad for me I still don't know. But as life goes on I continued to self destruct. When I turned 30 I was arrested for some serious  stuff related to cocaine and pills, and I had warrants all over Ontario lets just say I wasn't going to get out anytime soon.

I was sitting in my jail cell freaking out thinking that look what you have to face now you really thought that this was all going to go away. So I said if you can get threw this then you can get clean , stop drinking cocaine and pills. Let me tell you I was going crazy thinking of killing myself thinking of how I screwed up my life what a joke I felt like such an ass. So as time went on in there I started to realize that I made it this far why end it like this.

All I ever wanted was a "normal" life what ever that is. I felt like I was alone in the world . So I hung in there day by day minute by minute,when I finally got my sentence I was pretty happy the judge only sentence me to one year in jail and one year on probation. The crown wanted 3or 4 years and thank god that didn't happen.

This is where I could feel a change being locked up all time all you can do is think and with all the bad things already in my head this was hard,but I did do it and I am still doing it. I guess there comes a time where you have a choice up or down and I choose up just because my family has gone through some real crappy things and losing my brother and my mother and have addictions is what I had to go through to get where I am today it may not be fair but I think it made me a stronger person for sure!