Hope

 Well let see I have lived a life of pain and would like to share my experiences.I would also like to think that maybe someone who reads this it might help them. When I was 8 I went to school one day and i knew that something was wrong so I finished school And came straight home to find the door still locked,I wasn't sure what was going on but I had a feeling that it was bad. My Mom told me that if my brother was not home to go to the baby sitter across  the straight so I did . Well I waited for my mom to come home and when we open the door my brothers stuff from school was at the table and both me and my mom thought this was strange. So my mom tells me to go play and then we would eat. I was playing with a boy named Billy, I remember my Mom telling us to go play in the basement and  when I got to the top of the stairs something told me that something was wrong and when we went down their I saw my brother hanging from the ceiling ,I don't think I need to describe in details but I am let's go back a little bit when I came home from school and the door was locked I wen't to the backyard and tried to look in the window of the basement and when I did this I truly felt Sick. So when I seen my brothers face blue and his eye's sticking out, spit hanging out of his mouth to the floor all I could do was freeze and stop my friend from seeing this, I turned around and said lets just go outside. I was in shock I did not know what to do I couldn't even tell my mother but she is going to find out and when she did it even got crazier. My mom was going to do some laundry which was down stairs and then it happened I heard my mom scream I ran to the top of the stairs and she was saying he's dead  he's dead at the age of 8 I can remember feeling rage but I didn't know what to do with it. My mom called the police man was she hysterical I can't get that picture out of my head of my mom coming up the stairs and her eyes bulging out of her head and my brother still to this day when my eyes are open or shut I can still see them and I am 34 now. I even remember when we were next door at the neighbors every one told me not to look out the window but of course I did and I wish I didn't because at that moment there was the body bag with my Brother in it  being put in the ambulance.


Let's just say this is where my life became destructive,unmanageable and I hated everything and I mean everything. I did not ask for this to happen to me and I was only 8 at the time but when I look back at all the bad things I have done with my anger I am lucky to even be here.  


I still had to live but I am going to tell you I wanted to die. I remember one day at school I tried to hang myself at school at the play ground and for some reason when I did a classmate saved me and got help. There were days I wished that I did just die but for some crazy reason I manged to stay alive for 34 years and I am a recovering addict it has been three years I have not had a drink of alcohol,I am also clean form cocaine for a little over a year and I have finished the methadone program after 4 years I have been to detox 30 times and 4 programs and the last four years is where I have used what is available to me. I have a social worker who I can trust and  depend on when I need to talk because the brain never shut's off and if I don't get out of my head things can get really bad and I mean scary bad . I never wanted to hurt anyone especially me but I am glad I am alive NOW and will continue to do the right things because we hold our own destiny and the mind is a powerful place. Whoever reads this and has problems with life and can relate just hang in there because if I can do this then you can to why? you say to your self ask yourself this JAIL, INSTITUTIONS,and DEATH is that what you really want I thought that was the answer but I am glad I was wrong. Thank you to who ever reads this it felt good to get that out take care and all will be well.